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blank wave

“Reflect, reflect metal cast” We All, Us Three, Will Ride – Palace Music

I have existed within this latitude and longitude (37.8044° N, 122.2697° W) for almost a year now. It’s time to unpack and pull the threads of the past into this chapter of our odyssey.

The gravity of this settlement persuades me to acknowledge. My hindsight is perfect; it’s the horizon that feels myopic. I surrender to this subtlety.

In Keeping Things Whole by Mark Strand, he writes:
“We all have reasons
for moving.
I move
to keep things whole.”
________________________

I answer obligatory questions and watch my referents evaporate into confusion. The whiplash from my assumptions generates a spark every time. Those moments are when I am reminded of my capacity to render myself authentically.
________________________

This era of blank wave feminism has produced a cacophony of ideologies. From lipstick to victim, we continue to separate ourselves inside self-identified categories. These categories codify and they assist in commodification. I think this evolution is natural; application of theory assumes reification.

I walk Antonia’s Line.
________________________

Active desire: I’m going to have an Olympic summer.

C’EST le PIED!

There was a protest banner that spread the words, “Castrate the State!”; articles about fetal rights as civil rights; and a revelation about a perceived ”intensity gap” in pro-choice institutions.

This was the narrative arc leading up to Mother’s Day 2012.

We are supposed to celebrate those that have participated in accouchement, the standard and narrow definition of mother.

The anti-sex and the pro-parental zealots sound the same to me – both promote progeny.

~~~~~~~~~~

In this land of homogenous seasons, I am afraid I missed my hibernation cycle.

~~~~~~~~~~

She told me that I need to understand the difference between worry and disconcert; there was empowerment embedded in that assumption. There is also tension in that settling.

 

Their eyes were watching themselves and reflected within that view is perspective.

There is a theory about details.
The more I tell you,
the more you understand.

Metaphors equalize our experience.
Styles of prosody evoke phenomenal communication.
Haptic messages are their own discourse of truth.

I want to study the paralinguistics of this city.
Exploring the affective emotions of neighborhoods, I want to absorb its expressions.
Articulations bind.

Lured by the universality of circumstance, I solicit details.

“Die erde besiegt mich”

Malmska valen


artist: Albert Levy

I watched a man reverently talk to a mirror, his lover, and a young girl giggle as she read words that had been transmitted through the air.

Articulations and illustrations are shapes of desires and contours of impulses. The distance it has taken to get to this understanding swallows me whole.

Is it deviant to want and seek refraction?

We wear our opinions stretched over static structures, quiet expressions of distorted resurrections.

good things

this has been a process

Below is a list of good things that have happened as my days turn into months. This project of finding a thread to hold has allowed me to build a structure of my own, a crystallization of a positive proof of existence.

These fifteen good things are in no particular order except for the order in which they occurred:

  • sisters and kittens
  • friable
  • saying what I want
  • building callouses
  • yes…and
  • phallacy: hard/soft
  • dirty dreams
  • righteous anger
  • silence
  • the rawness of vulnerability
  • remembering to breathe
  • ice cream for lunch
  • ashes from a phoenix
  • not owing anyone anything
  • joints and metaphors

“You chose your journey long before you came upon this highway.”

- Leonard Cohen Winter Lady

artist: Sanja Iveković

It turns out reoccurring dreams of hallways actually means something. The hallways I’ve sleepwalked have been long but surprisingly well-lit. Even in my dreams, I take death marches.

For most of my thinking life, I have privileged the mind because I believed my body to be a source of betrayal, transgression, and, for a long time, a place of jeopardy. The somatic evidence cultivated through reinforced fundamentalist myths (god bless the tight mechanics of a Southern Baptist repression machine) and physical violations made this belief concrete. My dichotomous life was established and safe. I feel more comfortable circumscribed by theory and words.

Yet my body introduces itself and all those heavy gendered prescriptions before I even have a chance to form vowels and articulate my consonants. This strategy of tangental communication isn’t effective. In an essay entitled, “Fucking with Fucking Online”, from Why Are Faggots So Afraid of Faggots?, Michael Faris and ML Sugie have succinctly captured the journey I am currently on.

“If what we want is intimacy, if we want to feel connected, if we want to experience sexuality then we have to actively participate in it. … Part of this takes a radical interrogation of one’s own desire.”

This radical interrogation has required me to map the false continental divide I have maintained between mind and body. I’ve had to acknowledge the dynamic contours of my desire and chart the choices that led me to this location.

As the last traces of your touch evaporate into epitaph, I add the weight of your influence to the cartography of my corporeal self.

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